I took the photos and then hid them away in a file somewhere, because I thought they were too dumb to show anyone, much like I do with most of my art. Lately, though, whether through the encouragement of having more creative friends to hang around with, or through the sheer-not-caring-anymore-what-people-think of growing up, I've begun to feel braver about showing myself, and my art to the world.
I think that before I was too scared to show it, because stuff like this is a window into my soul, and I used to reserve that window to only show it to a select few, very special people in my life. As I am getting older, I am starting to understand that the more you share of yourself, the more you get back in return, and so I am starting to be braver about showing those sacred, delicate parts of me to the world.
I still put up illusory walls, boundaries between me (the real me- the spiritual me, the "capital S-Self as we call it in yoga philosophy) and the rest of the world. I think we all do that, to a certain extent, and especially those of us who are creative, those with more sensitive souls. Is it egotistical of me to think that I have a more sensitive soul than that of a non-artist? Perhaps. But I am also the only one who can see into this soul, unless I choose to share it through my artwork and through personal interactions with you. I am a person who feels things very deeply, and must work through them, process them a lot in my head.
This may be one reason that I am an introvert. I spent the weekend with my family down in Tucson. After being there for just a few days, I began to feel myself starting to want to shut down the communicative part of me, not because my family is not wonderful, but because I do not know how to share with them without having this complete energy-transfer happen, and that is exhausting to me. I can do that with non-relatives, people who I do not care about at all. I can spend time among those kind of people and not feel sucked dry afterward, so why do I feel so overwhelmed when spending time with my parents and my siblings and my nephews?
I am not sure if it is just simply the fact that too much social interaction without a break to recharge my spirit, do some yoga, create something, be QUIET and genuflect, go inside myself and process all of that stuff that being around people I care about stirs up in me.
When we got home last night, I was almost frantic with energy. Having been away all weekend, I had not had time to clean up the house at all before we left, so I started doing that before I even unpacked any of my stuff from the trip. Then, it was time to think about dinner, so I was simultaneously trying to come up with some food to eat for me and the kids, while J rested in bed (he was also quite worn out, in his own way from all the interaction with my family.) By the time it was midnight, I had taken a bath with candles, listened to some soulful chanting music, done some yoga and a few other things to try to make myself feel ready for bed, but nothing was working.
I was left to just lie in bed and listen to my sweetie next to me snoring in the dark. It wasn't a bad feeling. Although I was not looking forward to getting up early the next morning, I didn't have that same feeling of panic I used to get when the prospect of insomnia reared it's sinful head. I just laid there patiently waiting for sleep to come. And it did.
Today I feel rested and also extremely creative. I guess that there is a time for interaction and now there is time for introspection. It all comes in cycles.
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