A little Caterpillar Action

"What if you could see your current obstacle as a sign of transformation? Because, when you set an intention for growth you also manifest the obstacles that have been obstructing your path to freedom...don't let yourself get hung up on the upset." http://www.robinhallett.com/

Lately I have been working to allow what my teachers teach to flow through me into action. I have several inspirational thoughts posted around my bedroom to help me think positively about my future and my possibilities, to try not to lock myself into one particular thing or to think of myself as limited. I know that I am limitless (Thanks to Lisa Hecke, my teacher, my friend, for that particular refrain that has been intermittently running through my mind since this summer when I did some vision boarding workshops with her and Heather Janesky) and that I have gifts to share with the world, they are singing to get out. Right now they are like a bird who has been caged for the last 6 years (I know why the caged bird sings, yes, I know a tired metaphor when I see one, but it's apt) and it's time to let that bird be free. 

It's time to start leaving the door to the cage open, and letting the little bird take some trips to see what she can give the world. I know I have been taking these little journeys all along the way, and that, in reality, I have never been "stuck" as my mind tries to name it, only ruminating, marinating, learning, getting stronger, and preparing myself for the next step in my journey. A little bit like a caterpillar in her cocooned state, I have been transforming myself in my chrysalis for a long winter and now it is time to eat that shell (did you know that baby monarch butterflies EAT their chrysalis when it's time to become a butterfly, so they can create the fat stores they need to fly across the continent and mate and lay their own eggs to create the next generation of butterflies?) But I digress...

Very Lovely Artwork by Robinhallett.com

I came here to write this--

A very Personal Ad: ( I'm flagrantly borrowing this concept from Havi Brooks as seen in the Fluent Self)

What do I want?

I want to remember that I am okay. I want to give myself the space to work on my work and to study what I want to study and to learn about what it will take to make this next leap of faith. I want to open up the window so I can let the light in to grow my soul & get ready to be a butterfly. I want... a sunny room to sit and write surrounded by plants where no one will bother me for hours at a time. I want someone to bring me coffee.(I took a break from writing this and got my own coffee.)

I want to be the yoga I want to see in the world, as my teacher Izzi says... I want to be the change... I want room to grow, I want time, time, time, and a room of my own. I want to write and heal and love and drink coffee. That's what I want.  And I want security of knowing that I will be taken care of, that health care will fall into place when I need it, for me and my kids. I want to know that the rent is paid for the next six months one year, and that I don't need to worry about my needs being provided for, because I can trust that I am taken care of. I want to trust that I am taken care of. 

And I want good sleep, without drugs. And I want someone to make me breakfast. 

It seems that I already have the sunny room to sit and write uninterrupted for hours... it's just that it's in an office building where I lack the freedom to move around, or have appointments at my leisure. SO I ALREADY HAVE one of the big things I am asking the universe for...It's just that I need to transmute it to a different physical place on the planet. 

Maybe I need to frame this space in a different way. I am in actuality, currently getting paid to work out my kinks... to figure out what my next step is. That is precious, and I am grateful to have it. It's just that I can't bring myself to care anymore about deadlines, or about quality of work, or about... anything about being here really, and that is a major indicator that it's time to move on. That I have learned the lessons I needed to learn from this place, the Universe is sending me on my way now, with a fully packed lunch box and a pat on the behind. It's telling me, "You'll be okay, dear! I've got your back, and I will be here with milk and cookies when you return from your adventures." 

I want to have a safety net, a safe place to land. And it's so freaking scary to feel that I don't have that. And I know that as long as I harbor that fear, then that safety net will not exist for me in any tangible form. Except that it does, I know that we are all taken care of in exactly the ways that we need to be...I just need to find some courage to make the leap of faith that I have been wanting to take for the past 3 years. 

But I am fearful of becoming so attached to the security of this space, and this paycheck, let's be honest, that I won't see when it is clearly time to move into the next thing. How will I know when it's Time?

Is it when my boss decides that he is moving to another university in another state? Is it when I get an offer to do another job here that in all likelihood will not afford me the time to think and write stuff out like this? Is it when I feel so trapped within my own thoughts that I imagine going into the bathroom and screaming at the top of my lungs? Do I have to wait here until I do something stupid enough to get me fired? No, I need to pull up my big girl panties and walk out that door. Or, rather walk through that door, and place that Letter of Resignation on my boss's desk. 

"This situation, like all situations, will turn out to have been remarkably useful, and slightly future me will glow a <3 thank you" (--Havi Brooks) Yesterday, post yoga I had this moment of PURE THANKFULNESS...for all that is in my life right at this moment and all that has ever been. Because I had an understanding that all that has ever been is what has created this me, that exists right now, and I was able to see in the purity of the light in the yoga studio, with all of my "junk" washed away, that I am that pureness, and that so are you. And I was able to see that my path that I have been walking is the right one and that I have actually always been on it, even when it feels scary and dark and wrong. We are never on the wrong path for our spiritual growth.. One of my many post-it notes that hang on my bedroom says "I am exactly where I need to be...right now." And another one says "I love myself for exactly who I am today." 

What do I want?

I want to embrace the capacity to grow and change, and I want to have the time to put effort into that change. I want to be able to have a quiet safe little cocoon of blankets to wrap around myself when I am needing a dark room to run to. I want to have a soft bed to land on. I want strong arms around me and I want to recognize my own strength, my own capacity for holding my own self.