1. If I don't go to the studio, I don't practice.
Remember all that jazz about, "I'll still continue to practice even at home, while I take this break from official classes?" And how I said I would continue a meditation practice at home? Yeah, didn't happen. Even with the best of intentions, I always manage to find something "more important" that calls me away from yoga. This is one of the big reasons I like to practice at a studio. No distractions. You go there for one purpose, you accomplish that purpose, and you go home. Of course the camraderie is just a bonus. Which leads me to:
2. I miss my yoga friends.
Yes, you. I have kept up with a few of my closer yoga family via email, but it's just not the same as that fellowship of going to class twice a week and seeing those friendly familiar faces smiling at me. I miss my fellow students!
3. My body doesn't like me when I don't practice.
As I type this, I have a pain in my wrist that feels like carpal tunnel (in fact, I just moved my mouse back over to the right side of my computer keyboard.) My left wrist is starting to have a near-constant pain in it, from holding the mouse (Mousing? Is that a verb now?) I also have a slight tinge in my low-back, and a tightness in my shoulders. This is a good reminder of why I practice. Not only does it bring me a feeling of peacefulness within my mind (calms the mind-stuff) it also opens the energy channles in my body and acts as a natural pain-reliever.
4. I have a lot more time for those "other projects" at home now.
Although I only go to yoga typically twice a week (sometimes 3, but usually 2) I found that without it I have lots more time to do those creative things around the house that I had been missing. Of course it does not make up for all the other reasons I miss the practice. I'm going back tomorrow and I can't wait!
My creative brain thanks me for taking the break. My body may have even appreciated it, though it's not making that real clear right now. But I do miss my mat. And I can't wait to sweat it out in Ashtanga tomorrow night!
PS, I realized I did not update this blog when I got my CT scan results on Friday. Turns out I do not have Valley Fever. The cough was caused by asthma, which is a result of nasal polyps and a severe sinus infection. I'm on another week of antibiotics, and I have an appointment with an ENT specialist, to find out if the polyps are malignant (they assured me this is just a precaution, most likely they are not cancerous.) After I see the ENT they should be able to tell me what the next steps are with regards to shrinking them. Possibly medication. Maybe surgery. I am hoping for the former.
I plan on seeing an acupuncturist in conjunction with the ENT as well. I'd like to get my immune system up to par, and hopefully stop having to fight things with antibiotics, which makes me generally uncomfortable.
Last, but certainly not least, I will be teaching at my alma matter (can I say that, about a yoga school?) starting in September. I am very much looking forward to having a weekly class and gaining a regular clientele. Classes will be at 6:00 pm or 6:30 (TBD.)
~Namaste!~
A Place to Put Thoughts That Are Longer Than an Instagram Post
Monday, August 22, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Making Space for Creating Health
Due to my ongoing health condition, I have made the very difficult decision to pause my practice and teaching schedule for a while. My bodywork practice will be on hold for a bit as well.
It's become abundantly clear to me over the past several weeks that I have been trying to do too much, and while any person who is trying to get a new business up and running can tell you it is exhausting, trying to do it while working a full-time job to pay the bills, and care for two boys, and on top of that being sick with a now-chronic illness, is just not a good idea at all.
So, I have chosen myself. I have chosen to listen to my internal guidance, as I would tell any of my students to do, and take a clear and defined break. I'm cutting back on my social engagements, cutting out working with clients, for now, and stopping my twice weekly Ashtanga practice and my teaching schedule.
I'll continue to do my restorative classes (as a student) and I will continue to study and practice meditation at home during this sabbatical. My hope is that I will come back refreshed and renewed and ready to teach with gusto again in September.
I'm working really hard to let go of the fear that I will not return to this goal, once I have stopped the momentum. This is the reason I was pushing forward when I should have been pausing. I am choosing to "embrace the fear" and not let it control me. The fear will be there whether I push through or not, so I am choosing rest and contemplation, meditation and restoration, over pushing the limits of what is healthy for my body, and my mind.
Hope to see you all again in September! I'm sure that I will be here blogging from time to time, at least to give updates to my status.
~Namaste, Shanti, Shanti, Shanti, Om~
It's become abundantly clear to me over the past several weeks that I have been trying to do too much, and while any person who is trying to get a new business up and running can tell you it is exhausting, trying to do it while working a full-time job to pay the bills, and care for two boys, and on top of that being sick with a now-chronic illness, is just not a good idea at all.
So, I have chosen myself. I have chosen to listen to my internal guidance, as I would tell any of my students to do, and take a clear and defined break. I'm cutting back on my social engagements, cutting out working with clients, for now, and stopping my twice weekly Ashtanga practice and my teaching schedule.
I'll continue to do my restorative classes (as a student) and I will continue to study and practice meditation at home during this sabbatical. My hope is that I will come back refreshed and renewed and ready to teach with gusto again in September.
I'm working really hard to let go of the fear that I will not return to this goal, once I have stopped the momentum. This is the reason I was pushing forward when I should have been pausing. I am choosing to "embrace the fear" and not let it control me. The fear will be there whether I push through or not, so I am choosing rest and contemplation, meditation and restoration, over pushing the limits of what is healthy for my body, and my mind.
Hope to see you all again in September! I'm sure that I will be here blogging from time to time, at least to give updates to my status.
~Namaste, Shanti, Shanti, Shanti, Om~
Friday, August 5, 2011
Learning to Embody Compassion
I've been dealing with an illness for about two months now. The running theme in my head for these two months has been "You know, this could be much worse. Suck it up, keep going. You'll get better eventually."
I went to see my doctor after only a week and a half of coughing, because I knew that something wasn't right. I've had bronchitis before (as a former smoker, I used to get bronchitis about once a year actually) so I am familiar with the symptoms. I knew right away that this was no typical cough.
The doctor agreed, and she immediately put me on a course of antibiotics, as well as an asthma inhaler. After the ten day course, I was feeling slightly better. I figured the antibiotic had worked, and my body was just dealing with lingering mucous that would clear on its own. Another week later, I was still coughing just as much as before the medical treatment and now my sinuses were bothering me too, so back to the doctor I went.
This time I left her office with orders to get a different antibiotic prescription filled, and a shiny new inhaler to use twice a day in addition to the original inhaler (there are two different types of asthma treatments-- the fast-acting "rescue inhaler" and the slower-acting and longer-lasting type.) She still wasn't convinced I had asthma, so this time she ordered an x-ray of my lungs and a blood test for valley fever.
I've lived in Arizona my whole life, but apparently the fungal spores that cause valley fever can be inhaled at any time; living here a long time does not necessarily preclude you from coming down with it. My own doctor had it after 16 years of living here.
The initial test came back positive, but with the caveat that there are a lot of false positive results, and a clear chest x-ray, she could not be entirely sure I had it. I had to wait a week and go for the blood test again, to see if I had developed any new antibodies for the infection.
Today I went for the results of that test, convinced that I would be getting a positive result, and then with that diagnosis we would be able to decide whether the best course of action would be to put me on the antifungal treatment that is commonly used for Valley Fever. When I got the result, it was not entirely what I expected, another inconclusive test result, and an order to go get CT scans done on my nasal passages and my chest.
Because of the severity and length of the sinus infection, she also prescribed yet another course of antibiotics; this will now be my third round, trying to treat this thing.
I have orders to go see a pulmonologist if the CT scans come back with anything unusual. Hearing this was perhaps the final thing that caused me to lose it. I left the office quietly, prescriptions in hand, and got in my car and cried, head against the steering wheel, despite the hotness of it, the car having been sitting in the sun for the better part of an hour.
I can no longer say that I am feeling strong about this. I am tired of being sick. I can tell myself that my illness is not likely to be terminal, and therefore my diagnosis is not as bad as someone with terminal cancer. But that unfortunately does not change how I feel today, which is defeated, fatigued and tired.
I am tired of the doctor visits, I am tired of the diarrhea from the havoc the antibiotics cause in my digestive tract. I am tired of coughing. I am tired of fatigued chest muscles, I am tired of not being able to get a full breath. I am tired of feeling tired all of the time.
And through all of this experience of illness, I have been reading a book called The Places that Scare You, by Pema Chodron. The book teaches about a series of Buddhist techniques called bodhichitta. The book teaches that there are two types of bodhichitta. One is a type called unconditional bodhichitta. This is the experience of being free from concept, opinion, and our "usual all-caught-uppedness." The second is relative bodhichitta, which is our ability to keep open hearts and minds during times of suffering, and a heart that is open to experiencing the suffering of others, without shutting down or pushing away those bad emotions. One of the Buddhist teachings is that suffering is one of the three marks of existence (along with that nothing is static or fixed, all is fleeting and impermanent; and egolessness.) According to Suzuki Roshi, "It is only by practicing through a continual succession of agreeable and disagreeable situations that we acquire true strength. To accept that pain is inherent and to live our lives from this understanding is to create the causes and conditions for happiness."
I think that by denying my unhappiness at my current situation, by continuing to tell myself "it's going to be okay" and "keep your chin up" and "other people have it worse than you, so stop your feeling sorry for yourself" I was not allowing myself to experience the frustration and the anger and upsetness that I feel over this illness. It is only through allowing myself to cry when I feel like crying, without letting myself get caught up in the story of the emotion, or getting carried away by it, but in truly experiencing the feelings as they rise up, can I move through them.
What is amazing to me is that I need to learn this lesson over and over again in this lifetime, and probably through many lifetimes. I know that learning to practice equanimity (acceptance of what is without being carried away into feeling mad or sad about the experience) is a lifelong lesson.
"If we can contact the vulnerability and rawness of resentment or rage or whatever it is, a bigger perspective can emerge. In the moment we choose to abide with the energy instead of acting it out or repressing it, we are training in equanimity, in thinking bigger than right and wrong. This is how the four limitless qualities evolve from limited to limitless: we practice catching our mind hardening into fixed views and do our best to soften. Through softening, the barriers come down."
So today I will choose to practice softening to those emotions that are causing me to harden my heart, I will practice compassion towards myself, and in turn, to others who are also suffering. I will not compare my level of suffering to others' but I will remind myself to extend compassion and an openness towards others who are also suffering.
May I be free, free from suffering, and the causes of suffering.
May you be free, free from suffering and the causes of suffering.
May all beings be free, free from suffering and the causes of suffering. --Buddhist prayer
I went to see my doctor after only a week and a half of coughing, because I knew that something wasn't right. I've had bronchitis before (as a former smoker, I used to get bronchitis about once a year actually) so I am familiar with the symptoms. I knew right away that this was no typical cough.
The doctor agreed, and she immediately put me on a course of antibiotics, as well as an asthma inhaler. After the ten day course, I was feeling slightly better. I figured the antibiotic had worked, and my body was just dealing with lingering mucous that would clear on its own. Another week later, I was still coughing just as much as before the medical treatment and now my sinuses were bothering me too, so back to the doctor I went.
This time I left her office with orders to get a different antibiotic prescription filled, and a shiny new inhaler to use twice a day in addition to the original inhaler (there are two different types of asthma treatments-- the fast-acting "rescue inhaler" and the slower-acting and longer-lasting type.) She still wasn't convinced I had asthma, so this time she ordered an x-ray of my lungs and a blood test for valley fever.
I've lived in Arizona my whole life, but apparently the fungal spores that cause valley fever can be inhaled at any time; living here a long time does not necessarily preclude you from coming down with it. My own doctor had it after 16 years of living here.
The initial test came back positive, but with the caveat that there are a lot of false positive results, and a clear chest x-ray, she could not be entirely sure I had it. I had to wait a week and go for the blood test again, to see if I had developed any new antibodies for the infection.
Today I went for the results of that test, convinced that I would be getting a positive result, and then with that diagnosis we would be able to decide whether the best course of action would be to put me on the antifungal treatment that is commonly used for Valley Fever. When I got the result, it was not entirely what I expected, another inconclusive test result, and an order to go get CT scans done on my nasal passages and my chest.
Because of the severity and length of the sinus infection, she also prescribed yet another course of antibiotics; this will now be my third round, trying to treat this thing.
I have orders to go see a pulmonologist if the CT scans come back with anything unusual. Hearing this was perhaps the final thing that caused me to lose it. I left the office quietly, prescriptions in hand, and got in my car and cried, head against the steering wheel, despite the hotness of it, the car having been sitting in the sun for the better part of an hour.
I can no longer say that I am feeling strong about this. I am tired of being sick. I can tell myself that my illness is not likely to be terminal, and therefore my diagnosis is not as bad as someone with terminal cancer. But that unfortunately does not change how I feel today, which is defeated, fatigued and tired.
I am tired of the doctor visits, I am tired of the diarrhea from the havoc the antibiotics cause in my digestive tract. I am tired of coughing. I am tired of fatigued chest muscles, I am tired of not being able to get a full breath. I am tired of feeling tired all of the time.
And through all of this experience of illness, I have been reading a book called The Places that Scare You, by Pema Chodron. The book teaches about a series of Buddhist techniques called bodhichitta. The book teaches that there are two types of bodhichitta. One is a type called unconditional bodhichitta. This is the experience of being free from concept, opinion, and our "usual all-caught-uppedness." The second is relative bodhichitta, which is our ability to keep open hearts and minds during times of suffering, and a heart that is open to experiencing the suffering of others, without shutting down or pushing away those bad emotions. One of the Buddhist teachings is that suffering is one of the three marks of existence (along with that nothing is static or fixed, all is fleeting and impermanent; and egolessness.) According to Suzuki Roshi, "It is only by practicing through a continual succession of agreeable and disagreeable situations that we acquire true strength. To accept that pain is inherent and to live our lives from this understanding is to create the causes and conditions for happiness."
I think that by denying my unhappiness at my current situation, by continuing to tell myself "it's going to be okay" and "keep your chin up" and "other people have it worse than you, so stop your feeling sorry for yourself" I was not allowing myself to experience the frustration and the anger and upsetness that I feel over this illness. It is only through allowing myself to cry when I feel like crying, without letting myself get caught up in the story of the emotion, or getting carried away by it, but in truly experiencing the feelings as they rise up, can I move through them.
What is amazing to me is that I need to learn this lesson over and over again in this lifetime, and probably through many lifetimes. I know that learning to practice equanimity (acceptance of what is without being carried away into feeling mad or sad about the experience) is a lifelong lesson.
"If we can contact the vulnerability and rawness of resentment or rage or whatever it is, a bigger perspective can emerge. In the moment we choose to abide with the energy instead of acting it out or repressing it, we are training in equanimity, in thinking bigger than right and wrong. This is how the four limitless qualities evolve from limited to limitless: we practice catching our mind hardening into fixed views and do our best to soften. Through softening, the barriers come down."
So today I will choose to practice softening to those emotions that are causing me to harden my heart, I will practice compassion towards myself, and in turn, to others who are also suffering. I will not compare my level of suffering to others' but I will remind myself to extend compassion and an openness towards others who are also suffering.
May I be free, free from suffering, and the causes of suffering.
May you be free, free from suffering and the causes of suffering.
May all beings be free, free from suffering and the causes of suffering. --Buddhist prayer
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Testimonial to my teacher
"The more you learn to trust yourself, the more easily you can tap into your gifts." I quote this directly from Carrie's blog, Free to be Me, a Guide to Remembering your Life's Dharma. Full disclosure: Carrie has become a dear friend to me during the process of becoming one of my greatest teachers. She possesses the tremendous quality of being able to "show me the nature of my mind, and reveal my hidden faults" [quote by Pema Chodron] as well as my unique gifts. Through a variety of techniques, not least of which is a soulful ability to listen and reflect myself back to me without judgement, Carrie has helped me to grow into a teacher who is now ready to expand outward and bring my own practice of teaching yoga to my students. I entered her teacher training knowing that I wanted to teach yoga, but still full of trepidation- would I be good enough? Would anyone want to hear what I had to say? Carrie used her own experiences as examples and in doing so she has helped me tap into my unique voice.
Through such practices as going within (in meditation and chanting) and encouraging the vocalization and sharing of our own soul stories in small classes, she teaches us that we are all good enough just as we are. She has helped me to trust my own intuition- my True Nature- that which is at its essence simple goodness, wisdom, and loving kindness. Most importantly, through Carrie's quiet humor, I learned to laugh at myself when the going was hard, rather than to emotionally beat myself up, when facing some of those tough challenges that we all face in this life.
I count myself very lucky to have found Carrie, and to be her student and her friend. Few people I know are as compassionate, kind, and as selfless as she has proven herself to be.
Through such practices as going within (in meditation and chanting) and encouraging the vocalization and sharing of our own soul stories in small classes, she teaches us that we are all good enough just as we are. She has helped me to trust my own intuition- my True Nature- that which is at its essence simple goodness, wisdom, and loving kindness. Most importantly, through Carrie's quiet humor, I learned to laugh at myself when the going was hard, rather than to emotionally beat myself up, when facing some of those tough challenges that we all face in this life.
I count myself very lucky to have found Carrie, and to be her student and her friend. Few people I know are as compassionate, kind, and as selfless as she has proven herself to be.
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